Aries: “Power without abuse loses its charm.” Taurus: “The definition of beauty is what despairs.“ Gemini: “That which has always been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false.” Cancer: “The universe is a flaw in the purity of non-being.” Leo: “What soul would hesitate to turn the universe upside down in order to be a little more itself? Virgo: “Politeness is organized indifference.” Libra: “My soul is nothing now but the dream dreamt by matter struggling with itself!” Scorpio: “To enter into your own mind you need to be armed to the teeth.” Sagittarius:
“As for the world, all reality has no other excuse for existence except
to offer the poet the chance to play a sublime match against it – a
match that is list in advance.” Capricorn: “Consciousness reigns, but does not rule.” Aquarius: “Our most important thoughts are those that contradict our emotions.” Pisces:
“Follow the path of your aroused thought, and you will soon meet this
infernal inscription: There is nothing so beautiful as that which does
not exist.”
Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980.
“To make bread or love, to dig in the earth, to feed an
animal or cook for a stranger—these activities require no extensive
commentary, no lucid theology. All they require is someone willing to
bend, reach, chop, stir. Most of these tasks are so full of pleasure
that there is no need to complicate things by calling them holy. And yet
these are the same activities that change lives, sometimes all at once
and sometimes more slowly, the way dripping water changes stone. In a
world where faith is often construed as a way of thinking, bodily
practices remind the willing that faith is a way of life.”
“Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection,
what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird
enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to
his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just
commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a
sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily,
over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward”
or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the
bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about
the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was
important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is
whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by
engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who
didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and
continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the
paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying
something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital
well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had
“turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their
bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who
were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of
the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s
emotional needs.”
…
“Kindness… glues couples together. Research independent from theirs
has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most
important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.
Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and
validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says
Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The
more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too:
there’s a great deal of evidence
showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they
will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and
generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as
a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of
kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger
than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.
Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they
have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that
a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you
are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in
when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”
epigraph from Rebecca Solnit’s Wanderlust: A History of Walking
“Repeated trauma in childhood forms and deforms the personality. The
child trapped in an abusive environment is faced with formidable tasks
of adaptation. She must find a way to preserve a sense of trust in
people who are untrustworthy, safety in a situation that is unsafe,
control in a situation that is terrifyingly unpredictable, power in a
situation of helplessness. Unable to care for or protect herself, she
must compensate for the failures of adult care and protection with the
only means at her disposal, an immature system of psychological
defenses.”
סלומה 